Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Ten Totally Legitimate Reasons Why Losing Weight Is Hard

I’ve been losing and gaining pounds for years, mostly the latter but I've come up with a valid list of explanations as to why it is so dang difficult to get skinny.

1. Because cookies.
Sweet cookie Gods! They taste. So. Good. Just 7 more, and then I promise I’ll go for a walk…to the fridge to get some milk to go with these cookies.

2. Going to the gym is scary.
Sweaty me is a me that nobody needs to see. There are parts of me that wiggle and jiggle and I’m doing others a service really by keeping my jiggly self at home. Also, it’s better not to pretend like you know how to use that weight-lifting equipment.  What do you mean this leg machine isn’t for arm curls? 

3. Healthy food is expensive.
Yes, I’d love to have that in gluten-free but not for $2 more. Do you know what I could do with that $2? That’s right, buy french fries.

4. Man made Netflix.
Curse every episode and movie on this site. All I ever want to do now is curl up in an over-sized sweater with hot Starbucks and watch Daryl Dixon shoot his crossbow over and over.  

5. Smoothies aren’t really that awesome.
Once, I made a smoothie with spinach, peanut butter and banana and it took me two weeks to drink all 16 ounces of that vomit-colored nastiness. It was so potent; I could only handle it in small increments. Pardon me while I erase ‘body building champion’ off my bucket list.

6. They make advertisements.
It never fails. I’m in the middle of eating my turkey, veggie, complex carb cuisine and a commercial for Sonic’s 25 ice cream shake flavors comes on. ½ price after 8pm! Drizzling chocolate syrup over a fluffy bed of whipped cream topped with a juicy cherry. Wait, what was I doing? Oh yeah, getting my car keys. Don’t worry Sonic, I won’t let you down.

7. We want quick results.
What do you mean I can’t get a defined abdomen in three days!? I only lost 1 pound this week!? AAAARRRGGGHHH! In a world where we can ship that cute pair of shoes overnight, why can’t I express ship me some biceps? Now that I might consider paying extra for.

8. Dining out is easier than cooking.
All I want for Christmas is a personal chef. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter how many times I try, I’ll never be able to properly chop tomatoes. Screw it. Subway chops them perfectly!

9. Commitment is tough.
I’ll start after this weekend…I say every Saturday. Picking a starting point is easy. Actually surviving a week of your diet/exercise routine without devouring your refrigerator? Not so simple. All it takes is a whiff of bread to make me forget how to pronounce the word salad.

10. There’s a snooze button on alarms.
And it is significantly larger and more convenient than groping your alarm to find the off switch, so it just makes sense to push snooze first. I need the extra sleep anyway. Dieting has me beat.

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